I am the one most comfortable behind the camera. Behind the scenes allowing the stars to shine and capturing their glowing essence. But does the action of filming steal their souls?
I lie awake on my first family vacation day, unable to find slumber. My thoughts drive me mad, for they are morbid and dark. Tears staining my pillowcase while Panda fitlessly sleeps. I switch between listening to this song in a language I don’t speak or comprehend, but can feel the depths of the lyrics’ message, and watching stolen moments of my most loved family members wondering how soon it all just ends.
Selfishly as I enjoy memorializing these snippets of the sums which make me whole, I raise my eyes to the skies and plead with God – please just a little more time?
It’s my most favorite time of the year – Thanksgiving and the fall…And what I am most thankful for this year is the growth of my family members, especially my SIL! She’s been through a lot, and it is my honor (along with my SO) to help her on her journey to health; whether it’s shedding old habits or gaining a new perspective in life, it’s all about enjoying the company you keep and lifting each other up with support.
We do not know what this new endeavor will bring her and her children as far as wealth goes, but I do know that she’ll be funding my nail hobby and bonding opportunities with her girls (my nieces) along with my friends and family who wish to support her.
Sometimes I wake up and I am not feeling 100%. And sometimes I wake up feeling like I cannot face the day. As an adult with responsibilities, sometimes I have to just suck it up and do it anyway. But it is H-A-R-D.
I am blessed to have people who care, though. Someone to say: “What are you up to? What are you up for? Are you up for having me take care of you, tonight?” Someone to send me a song like “Rise Up” by Andra Day, that I can just set on repeat and listen to over and over as I write down my feelings.
I worry for those who are not as blessed. I worry for those living alone, especially while we continue to deal with the pandemic. I worry for those who may not reach out and talk to someone about the internal struggle that is depression.
In the past, I could bury myself under blankets and just cry until there were no tears left. I could call out sick from school or work, and just sleep to avoid feeling like I didn’t want to live life anymore. “I’m worthless.” “I can’t do anything right.” “Who would notice if I disappeared?” The feeling is so overwhelming sometimes that I wonder how I can make it just stop – permanently.
Obviously there are people who care and would definitely notice if I left this earth – but it sometimes feels as though that isn’t the case, especially when I am deep in it. You’d be surprised how many others go through depression; a lot of the times, the most upbeat and joyful people on the outside, are the ones hiding the inner struggle the best.
In 2015, I dressed up as Sadness from Disney’s Inside Out because I felt that character was literally written with me in mind. However, one of my coworkers was surprised to hear the reason I chose to be Sadness; he said that he thought I would have chosen Joy because that’s how he saw me. Funny how good I hid myself from the world, despite being a terrible liar.
In the years since then, I’ve done some work to not have Sadness as the default mode. The work included first medicating, but later with diet, exercise and lots of sunlight, I was able to maintain a level head without having to rely on pills to numb the feelings. However, it takes work, and ironically, with work (i.e. returning to working in an office 8+ hours a day, five days a week) and added surprise responsibilities that life brings, the work/life balance has yet again become a struggle and my mood has been affected by the stressors of responsibilities related to work, family, and other outside factors. Those outside factors include not always eating quality food. There are times where fast food has to be eaten, and it is especially on the days following where I feel my moodiest.
It all starts with the gut. If your gut is off, it affects every aspect of you. Your mood. Your aches/pains. Your mind. Your body. Your soul. Work on fixing that gut, and you might find that you are feeling less bad. Note to self: it’s time to eliminate Taco Bell from your life. It may feel and taste good the day of, but the following day is a nightmare.
Also, talk to someone. Whether it is a family member. A friend. A coworker you trust. Your significant other. Or even a professional.
Help is available
Speak with someone today
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline Hours: Available 24 hours. Languages: English, Spanish. Learn more 800-273-8255
It’s been a hot minute since I was last inspired to write about what’s been happening in my life. Mostly work taking up the majority of my brain space and being too exhausted to make time to jot down memories about life passing by day after day. Today, however, was noteworthy so I just had to take the time to commemorate my “cherry being popped” for the 626 Night Market (thanks Panda Bear!)
Due to a happy accident, Panda bought two pairs of tickets to the event and decided the ‘rents could come with – apparently Mom’s been dying to go to this for years unbeknownst to us. We (Panda, Dad and I) prepared this morning by not eating and walking 3+ miles.
I took time to do a fun makeup look for the occasion.
We got to the 626 Night Market a little bit before 4:00 p.m. which is opening time. Line to get in wasn’t bad at all. Our game plan was to hit up as many of the food vendors we wanted eats and drinks from as soon as possible to avoid the long lines that were definitely going to come in the later hours. And we were quite successful!
Don’t recall the names of all the booths we scored drinks from, but here’s the food vendors: Bombing Giant Squid, The Onion Bomb, Ridges Churro Bar, Yakitori Yado and Cerda Vega Food Truck.
The Bombing Squid was our first destination of choice given how popular it was from folks that had previously visited the 626 Night Market. $17.00 (cash only) for a fried squid bigger than the size of my face. Chose garlic flavored and it was fantastic!
Panda Bear came back with a strawberry watermelon drink from one of the booths near Flavor Fusions, which was the original destination but was not yet open. We devoured that squid and it was extra messy but absolutely delicious so it didn’t matter. As the ‘rents continued eating the squid, Panda Bear and I headed to The Onion Bomb for the Lobster Cheese Onion Bomb. Next door at Friedays they were selling drinks and I just had to try the passionfruit one. Two thumbs up for being refreshing! The Lobster Cheese Onion Bomb was $20.00 and tasty but smaller than I had imagined.
Panda Bear went back to get drinks at Flavor Fusions and I took the Lobster Cheese Onion Bomb to the ‘rents. I freaked out for a moment because when I went back to the benches where we left them last, they weren’t there. Luckily after a bit of walking I found them standing in an area not too far from there. As we devoured the food, Mom wanted to get food from Yakitori Yado (chicken skewers with mochi, 2 for $9.00), and as she went to buy those, Panda called me to ask for help carrying food he bought from Cerda Vega Food Truck. I left my Dad with the drinks from earlier, told him not to move, and ran off to find Panda.
When I got to Flavor Fusions, I couldn’t see Panda anywhere and nor was he at Cerda Vega Food Truck. Again, panic set over me for a brief moment and I called him. He said he brought the drinks to the ‘rents already and was heading back to get the food (Tacos Dorados and Birria Ramen). Since I was already near Ridges Churro Bar and the line was short, I decided to get the Strawberry Shortcake Churro Sundae ($9.00 limited availability and lucky it was early – tipped them $1.00 from my change). When our party was all back together, we all took turns eating and drinking.
By then it was nearly 5:30 p.m. Panda decided to go figure out where Alejandro Aranda was going to be performing at 6:00 p.m. He went off searching and when he found the place, called me and we met up to situate ourselves for the show. Alejandro only performed three songs, and we thoroughly enjoyed them all!
After the show, I pleaded to get my last desserts from Drunken Cake Pops and Panda handed over cash and I made a beeline through the crowd to the booth. I was super lucky; despite the thickening crowd, the line was not too bad yet at the booth and I easily ordered a Churro Latte with Whiskey Caramel ($6.00 plus $1.00), Southern Gentleman ice cream bar ($6.00), and three Cake Pops at $3.50/pop (Midori, Amaretto and Lemon Drop). Panda had given me just the right amount of cash and I tipped them my change. Of course I hadn’t realized the ice cream pop would completely melt by the time we walked back to the car to leave. When I went to eat it, the melted ice cream splattered all over my shirt like the bird that had pooped on my last week on our weekend walk LOL Panda Bear and the ‘rents had a good laugh over that one! Good thing we were already headed home at that point. I showered when I got home and then finished off the cake pops, which were amazeballs!
@drunkencakepops OMG took these babies home to eat with a tall glass of milk, and they’re heavenly! Moist, packed full of flavor, and the hint of booze – perfection. Cannot decide which of them I love most. L to R: Midori, Amaretto and Lemon Drop. First time customer, definitely not the last – fangirling right now 🤤 https://www.instagram.com/p/CRdFl8fB69u/?utm_medium=share_sheet
I hadn’t posted so much on social media in a long while, so it was nice to have things to post about!
Despite all the indulgence, still didn’t do too poorly today when it came to calories in versus calories out.
Overall, what a wonderful change from the monotony life has been due to the pandemic. We shall see what the damage is tomorrow when I weigh in. For now, I’ll bask in the glorious feeling of having spent a wonderful evening with my loved ones chowing down on memorable eats. This is the life.
It’s been a while since I made time to write, mostly due to a hectic work schedule. A lot has happened since my last blog, and it has taken time to process.
While on vacation I signed up for Influenster and began doing what I enjoy to do – write reviews. I had joined a Facebook Group for Influensters and was told it could take up to 18 months before any VoxBox would be sent to me, but I ended up with one like a couple weeks after I joined, so that was pretty awesome. Although the facial cleanser I was sent isn’t one I would purchase in the future, it was nice to have been able to try it for free and voice my opinion. I hope I get chosen for more things to test and review!
Since return from Utah, we had Panda’s entire immediate family finally in town all in one place and my MIL quickly pulled together a Memorial Service for my FIL (who lost is battle with COVID-19 in February). The most touching of all was that my MIL gave me a Memorial necklace; my FIL had been cremated so that his remains would reside at home with his family, and a part of him had been placed in jewelry that my MIL gave to their children (and me). Family is the most important thing to me, and having that symbol of belonging to Panda’s family despite our not being married lit my heart on fire.
Love in the purest, realest form. My MIL and FIL were together for 41 years ’til death did they part. Their relationship was not perfect, and that is perfectly fine – it was REAL. And my heart aches for my MIL (as well as for my Aunt Cecilia as she had lost her love, my favorite uncle – Harry – just mere months before during the holidays in late 2020).
It is why despite working countless hours during this transition period of trying to get the whole staff safely back to the office, I still make time to be with family (whether blood or otherwise). And that also includes my friends, who are family to me. Finally had the opportunity to hang with my gal pals this past weekend and it really healed a part of my soul that had been aching for connection with like minds.
Icing on the cake was the next day before working on Sunday, I got to enjoy the dim sum experience in its finest with the ‘rents and Panda – ladies pushing the carts and people lining up impatiently to get dim sum rather than politely waiting for the carts to make it to their tables *lol* Thinking about it still puts a smile on my face and I want to do it all over again.
I haven’t been able to work out very much since returning from vacation, but over the weekend we did finally make it back to Planet Fitness, and it was nice to go back and use their machines again. I look forward to popping in again this weekend! (Last real workout before that had been the 2021 Move with Love where I participated by walking and weightlifting in memory of Stella Perez.)
Just tiny things like that, and binge watching Masked Singer with Panda to unwind after long days at work, it is what keeps the balance. So although the weight is a “slow burn”, the Journey to Health – mentally, emotionally and physically – continues to improve slowly, but surely. And that is all I can ask for in these crazy times.
Now to see if I can get some shut eye (or just say “F* it” and get out of bed and continue to chip away at work…
Hello World! WendyfromCali here, coming to you from Utah. Turned the big 4-0 yesterday, and I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend the day than with my ‘rents, my lil sis and her fam, and my SO Panda Bear (and even my lil bro and his fam had Facetime us during dinner to wish me a “Happy Birthday”). Life is GOOD.
The only thing on my mind is that my SO had previously told me he bought me an expensive birthday gift, but I have yet to receive anything from him. Did he buy me a house? A piece of jewelry? A new puppy? No idea! So that’s been on the back of my mind and is driving me a little cray-cray.
To change the subject, we’re on vacation in serene Utah, and I am seriously considering moving out here in the near future. I’ve been WendyfromCali since I had been born (and chosen the nickname in college after I retired “PoCHiGiRL” from high school) and I never thought I would ever think of moving away from sunny Cali. “Born and raised” I would tell people when they asked where I was from. I had been proud to say I was a pure-bred Californian. However, this past year during the pandemic, and how piss poor California has dealt with it all, I am ready to begin planning relocating…Eventually.
What’s great about Utah (at least Park City the two times I’ve vacationed here – August 2020 and now May 2021), is that: 1) the people seem to be pretty darn awesome, easy-going and friendly – I mean I had two people compliment my Shawn Dawson piggy backpack out here and I totally dug the vibe 2) so far the weather has been pretty stellar – this time around, what my sister said cold feels super chill (haha) to me and I’m lovin’ being able to see the snow-capped mountains and yet sit out in mild weather with non-winter gear on, breathing in the crisp fresh air 3) if I moved out here, I’d be closer to my sis and her fam, and my have I missed hanging out with her – she was one of my bestest friends growing up and it would be nice to rekindle that relationship as well as be around to see her kiddos grow up
The cons of relocating, though, is that I’m leaving behind my roots: 1) my ‘rents do not have any plans of leaving California 2) my bro and his fam are in California 3) the majority of my friends are in California 4) the job I’ve been at nearly 16 years is in California 5) some of my most favorite restaurants are in California
But…I can seriously imagine dual residency (if my job would be down with my working remotely!) Something to discuss as a 2-to-5-year plan, for sure…
This is the first time on vacation that I have truly been able to let go of the countdown back to work. Usually when I go on vacation, I’m already dreading the return back because I know I’ll have work piling up to “catch up” on come Monday. However, I set myself up for success this vacation. I delegated tasks to my team, met with my backup to give him heads up on what I anticipate needing attention while I was out, and I set up check-in calls during vacation just to ensure things are running smoothly. So even though I am still having to do some work while on vacation, overall, I’m not obsessing over it and having it take over all my downtime. I can breathe easier (and not just because I’m away from smoggy LA-LA-land and not having to suffocate with masks 24-7 and having bloody noses from it all) knowing that whatever I return to on Monday, I’ll be able to handle it after having the appropriate time to unwind.
My Mom has us saying we’re in San Diego for vacation, because the stupid rules in California state you have to quarantine for 10 days if you travel 120+ miles from home, and she doesn’t want to miss work after vacation, so I have refrained from posting much about the time out here in Utah on my other social media. So I figured I’d just splice in some of the photos here in this journal entry for me to memorialize some of the special moments from vacation thus far (in no particular order, just whatever I found on my phone).
And as the title of this entry says: “May the 4th be with U…tah.” Tah-tah for now…Stay safe!
Today I took a half-day off work to attend to personal matters, inclusive of Buddha finally getting a full senior blood panel from the vet (among other things). When working remotely from home, I was inundated with work requests right up to the minute before leaving the house, but I was able to take it all in stride. Rocking Hump Day!
Good news is Buddha’s vet appointment went fairly well. We like the conversation we had with the vet (which is from his original vet location and I’m so glad it’s working out). The vet let us know that Buddha looks to be recovering well from his vestibular syndrome. The vet even commended us for some of the things we were doing with Buddha to help him recover, inclusive of Benadryl to help calm Buddha’s nausea from the nystagmus. Who would have thought that Dr. Ray Peat’s theories would work to heal a dog?
As far as for myself, it was mentally and physically healing to take a break mid-week from thinking about work and focus on my own personal health. We are the only advocates for ourselves; it is not your doctor, it is not your significant other (although they may be invested in you), it is not your parents, etc. You, and only you, are in charge of your health – physical, mental and emotional.
Ever since my Dad’s heart attack August 2019 and my FIL’s passing this February 2021 due to COVID and being in the hospital, I am even more adamant about getting (and keeping) healthy in any means possible.
My Dad has been on board with this “Journey to Health” that Panda Bear and I began with him since he survived that heart attack, and we believe that it is because of this he is practically reverse aging (see photos below). A man who previously did not move his body except when conducting his activities of daily living (bathing, dressing, eating, toileting, transferring and maintaining continence) pre-heart attack, is now able to jog even faster than his daughter (me) up steep hills! It’s inspirational and aspirational for me to see and I am so f*cking proud to be his daughter.
“Let’s go back, back to the beginning…” That’s how I see it. The theories of Dr. Ray Peat really speak to Panda Bear and in extension to me. We listen to related podcasts at night while we fall asleep, and sometimes learn through osmosis. Sometimes change is good; other times change may be perceived as good but later you find out that there are associated cause and effects that only time would tell. With the Industrial Revolution, we were able to have booming businesses and new technology and new ways to travel. All of this innovation also affected our food sources and eventually our medical industry. If we critically think about it all, we’ll see that all of these manufactured goods and fad diets, along with doctors basically being drug dealers with degrees (many of which practices are funded by big pharma) and hospitals focused on making money rather than healing (yes, hospitals are businesses, so really think about it before you show up for an “emergency” visit and what you come out of there with as a recipe for “health”), it is no wonder the masses are so easily swayed to believing what they’re being told by “experts” and not taking the time to analyze what’s being touted. If you take that time to really listen to what’s being said, you’ll realize that you’re being told conflicting information; that’s when you have to ask yourself: Who is saying it, and what does it mean to me?
If you live and die by your principles, you will have no regrets. That is what I strive for in my lifetime. You may receive resistance from others, but no one can dictate your core beliefs. You, and only you, live your life – so make the best of it each and every single day you live it!
Lately, I’m not sure why, when things are somewhat calm, I tend to feel overwhelmed like I’m holding my breath and “waiting for the other shoe to drop” as the saying goes. They say things happen in threes (mostly when it comes to deaths) and when my Uncle Harry passed over the holidays in 2020, and then my FIL passed in February, I was bracing for the third death to come.
Of course then my dog, Buddha, had his incident and I was like “here it goes, this is it, isn’t it?” However, Buddha has almost fully recovered in the past two weeks since the event, just slightly off-balanced and not willing to jump on and off the bed on his own, so that’s not it. Maybe that’s why I continue to wait…And I cannot relax.
As things begin to open back up in California, and people have a false sense of feeling “safe” from getting their vaccines, I keep thinking to myself: Who is the third death? And when is it going to happen? I wish I could shake the feeling…
The subject title song, originally performed by Tom Cochrane, but more meaningful to me is the Rascal Flatts version because of Disney’s Cars, perfectly embodies the feelings of this past weekend.
Starting with Friday afternoon at work where, finally a glimpse of the fun we used to have at my office pre-pandemic was found sparking a much-needed weekend of living an almost “normal” life again. I successfully hosted a Zoom Happy Hour call with some of my team members who chose to participate. Although my whole team did not end up making it on the call, those who did I enjoyed spending time with and just breaking away from the year of grinding our wheels working remotely. To add to Friday’s joy was the amount of progress Buddha had in his recovery from the incident Monday evening. (Videos found on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/wendyfromcali)
Saturday, after a week of worrying about Buddha, restricting “calories-in” due to not having time to expend calories via our usual wogs (walk+jog=wog coined by Cristela Alonzo, one of my favorite comedians) and weight-training, Panda Bear, Dad and I finally made it out for a wog and then Mom made her homemade potstickers and I made air fryer pizza dumplings (video and photos found on my Instagram: wendyfromcali) that were inspired by having tried the pizza dumplings from XLB Dumpling Bar in Walnut, CA (in my YouTube video I said Diamond Bar, my bad) and basically had a day of indulging with good eats, good sleep (two naps, not just one!) and a good late night workout session of kickboxing cardio and pumping iron with Panda Bear.
Sunday, Panda Bear, Dad and I ventured again out into the neighborhood, but this time our wog ended up with a purpose – swooping in to “save the day” when my Aunt Cecilia’s lawn mower wouldn’t work for her. We walked the mower back home, Panda Bear and Dad successfully fixed it while we all had taken turns weight-lifting in between trouble-shooting the mower, and then walked to reunite the mower with my Aunt. Quick bite to eat using my Mom’s cooked shrimp to make a funky tostada (pictured below), shower, makeup and then off to Panda Bear’s Mom’s for some delicious fried tilapia complements of his Uncle Carlos (really wish I had taken a photo but I scarfed that sucker down before I could grab my phone back from Panda Bear’s nieces). Basically a weekend worth living – spending quality time with family and not having to work! I honestly do not recall a weekend this good during the pandemic; it was much needed for my physical, mental and emotional health.
Today, it was back to the grind, but I was able to handle all that work threw at me because of the great weekend. And best of all, Panda Bear surprised me with a video of Buddha finally eating on his own! (Video found on YouTube.) That was the last thing that had kept us worrying about Buddha’s recovery, because without him willing to eat on his own, we weren’t sure if he was getting better, or if we had to brace for the worst. Buddha’s incident last Monday could have resulted from a simple ear infection (best case scenario) to a possible brain lesion at the worst end of the spectrum of causes. Each day that passed and Buddha had progress in his recovery, but he refused to eat on his own, we held our breaths and couldn’t fully celebrate his little victories. Tonight, we sighed with relief having seen Buddha choose to eat.
The past few months (and really the whole darn year) had been such a struggle, having to adapt to being forced prisoner in my own home where the lines of personal and business life blurred to non-existence due to the pandemic, and dealing with immense amount of loss since late 2020 to current. When Buddha had his incident Monday evening, I was pushed to my breaking point. If I had to lose my dog of 12 (going on 13) years after losing my favorite uncle in December 2020 and then my father-in-law February 2021, I am not sure what would have happened to me; certainly I may have been consumed with grief to the point of no return.
But here I am, writing with tears of joy over the fact that it looks like Buddha may pull through (for the time being). However much more time Buddha has on this Earth, I will cherish each and every moment with him and cheer him on for what I hope to be a full recovery. And if he doesn’t quite fully recover, I will still love him just the same until the day he dies. “Life is a highway…I want to ride it all night long…” (with Buddha and Panda Bear by my side – “three is the magic number”).
Buddha and I enjoying some sun days before incidentPanda Bear caring for Buddha after incidentBuddha tonight laying on Mom (Grandma)
It seems I am compelled to write when things are going to shit, but there are actual glimpses of miracles happening despite all the tragic events. It is what we choose to focus our attention on that drives our actions and reactions.
In life the certainty is death – final destination. But in this journey, we cannot focus on that final destination or it wouldn’t be a life worth living.
On Monday, while working the second shift at home (having previously been in the office) my Mom calls to my attention that Buddha, my precious fur son, was not acting himself. I dropped everything to go see and indeed he looked like he was seizing and had thrown up all over my Mom’s blanket (unbeknownst to her) so I took the soiled blanket outside where Panda Bear was and informed him what was happening. He, too, dropped everything (despite being in the middle of a meeting) and went into action.
We ended up at the pet hospital blocks from my house, but they were about to close up shop not capable of giving the attention Buddha needed and instead offered up some solutions (i.e. handing off the problem to other places). After about $500 for basically just sedating my pup, we were back at square one (almost). In the observation by the vet that Buddha had an outer ear infection, and the other symptoms present, that allowed for Panda Bear to deep dive into research on diagnosing and finding solutions to help Buddha.
We don’t properly plan for such emergencies (or maybe other pet parents do but that’s lesson for us to learn and not repeat based on experience) so when faced with it we just have to act. Maybe some will be willing to put out thousands of dollars just for the tests to tell you definitively whether your fur baby will have much longer to live, but we are unwilling to put matters into others’ hands when we are capable of helping any way we can.
I see doctors (and this includes vets) as last resort for emergencies only. You have a heart attack; call 9-1-1. You break a leg? Yes go see the doc to have it set back in place. However when it comes to quality of life and healing, I won’t leave that in the hands of doctors as they are not there to see the day-to-day occurrences – we are. When given the options of: 1) leaving Buddha at the pet hospital unattended overnight for them to treat later during opening hours, 2) taking him to ER pet hospital for a bill of roughly $3,000 and possibly not being able to even be by his side during the testing times, or 3) take him home where he is familiar and comfortable with his surroundings and treat him for what we believe he has based on the first observations and research we are certainly going to keep him close to us.
If these are Buddha’s last days then I certainly will not allow for him to die alone away from home in the hands of people who will see him as just another dog. But based on the observations we have seen since Monday evening until now, we are hoping a full recovery for him with time and supportive care.
Monday he was unable to do anything on his own, not even hold his own head up. Tuesday by evening we witnessed his ability to lap up water on his own, eat baby food off his papa’s fingers, and try to climb up on his mama sleeping beside him. We even heard one single bark where previously we had been met by silence.
Today we tried picking him up over his pee-pee pads and see if he was able to go, but still not able to stand up on his own. Shortly after we made him comfortable in bed again, though, he decided to let his bladder release what had been held in. At least he went! That just meant washing the sheets and giving Buddha a much-needed shower. Now he lays out in the sun and shade while I get some work done. In the face of this, I’ve been a wreck but life must go on, and so I put my big girl pants on and carry on while still making sure Buddha is comfortable in (hopefully!) his recovery.
Random Ramblings of Just a Wendy...from Cali. 
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